Survive the Holidays with a Smile!

     The New Year offers a blank slate, a fresh start, a hopeful time.  Actually each morning offers the same thing (!) but, as a culture, we celebrate together as one year comes to a close and the next begins. Some people are secretly celebrating that the holidays are over!!  The Christmas holiday has become quite secular and, with that, the media etc loses the true meaning of the day.  If you are Christian, then focusing on the wonder and miracle of the birth of Christ can bring joy and peace.  However if that is not possible,  with all you have to do, then your holiday can be stressed and there will be no joy in your world.  There are some tips I have accumulated to make the season merrier.   Also if you are abstinent for the first time this year, or the holidays are always a difficult time to remain abstinent, these tips may make the holiday season brighter!

1. Understand that you are not alone.  A lot of people are feeling stressed, depressed and distressed at this time of year.  You can look around you and see happy people shopping, people smiling, Christmas lights everywhere, and the media telling us how happy we should be.  Then you check in with you and you are feeling awful because "everyone is partying but me" or "my family doesnt......." or "I dont have the money to...." or whatever lousy feeling you are having.  Well, you are comparing their outsides (smiling faces, imagined happiness and  parties) with your insides (feelings).  The reality is that you are comparing apples and oranges.  Your insides to their outsides.  You do not know how other people are feeling or if they are happy just by looking at them. 
2. It's just another Sunday.  Christmas falls on Sunday and if you are feeling overwhelmed, a better way to look at it might be: "It's just another Sunday".  That takes the crushing importance and grand expectations out of the day. 
3. Take care of yourself.  When we start rushing around with little time to spare, the first thing that goes is what we do for ourselves.  Grabbing a quick bite, having a cookie at the office, cinnabuns at the mall do not count as nutrition.  Stay on your eating plan.  If you indulge, get back to eating well with the next meal.  Stay on your exercise plan. This is not the time for the added stress of beginning a diet or exercise routine but stay on the one you have. 
4. Go late and leave early.  No one says you must arrive early and be the last one to wave goodbye at the party/dinner/whatever.  If you are anticipating a visit with relatives or coworkers that will be challenging, go late and leave early.  Have an exit strategy if you find you need to leave early.   Most good friends and family will understand if you are uncomfortable.  If they are not the understanding types, then have a small lie handy to make your exit socially acceptable.  "My tooth is acting up and I really hate to leave but......"
5. Bring the phone number of someone you can contact if you need to talk to someone or just need to get grounded again.  Make sure they will be available during the time you might need them.  Better yet, bring a supportive friend with you to the event or shopping.   Having a friendly face with you is a great support. 
6. Ditch the family and do some volunteer work.  See if there is a soup kitchen, 24 hour marathon anonymous meeting, nursing home or hospital that could use some cheer.  Put on your happy face and go! 
7. "Act as if ".   If you act as if you are in the holiday spirit and in a giving mood, it just might stick.  It's worth a try.  
8.  Make a gratitude list.  List every thing you can think of that you can be thankful for.  If you have difficulty getting started, try these:  1) I am so grateful for  beauty,  2) I am so grateful for sunny days  4) I am so grateful for chocolate.  You get the idea. Make the list personal to you.  
9. Add things to your gratitude list that haven't happened yet but you desire. So if this year you want to change jobs, or get a job, you might add  "I am so grateful for my dream job".  If you want to find your soulmate, you might add "I am so grateful for my soulmate".   
10. Every thought is a prayer or a wish that you send to the universe.  If you are thinking "I cant have a great holiday because.....(fill in the blank) or "I cant make it through the holidays without a drink/pill/crutch of some other kind", then it is so.   As Henry Ford said " “Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.” If you can catch yourself with these negative thoughts,  change them immediately!  Try  " This holiday will be fun" or "I wonder what the holidays look like through sober eyes".   Even if you don't believe it, just say it.  Trust me on this one. 

You may just surprise yourself and have a better holiday than you thought you could. 

Am I an Addict/Alcoholic?

            If you are an alcoholic/addict, you are the last to know.  Yes,  your family knows.  Yes,  the people you live with know. Yes, your girlfriend/boyfriend knows (and their friends know too). Yes the people with whom you partied last week or weekend (and you have no idea who they are, really) know.  Yes your boss (if you still have one) knows.  Yes your last boss knows too. Just don't ask the friendsor relatives that drink/drug like you.  If they tell you that you are an addict/alcoholic, then they will have to look at their own use.  Way too scary.
              One of the most "cunning, baffling and powerful" aspects of alcoholism/addiction is that it changes your thinking.  The user is not even aware that this has occurred. When the mind has a belief, it will then look around for evidence of that belief.  The mind of a user believes that they want to keep drinking./using at all costs.  The drink/drug FEELS GREAT. So the thought is "This has to be ok".  Now they look around themselves for justification. " That friend over there is using way more than me so I must be ok."  "I still have my job so I must be ok." "I  need this drink/drug to make it through the day."  "No one knows how unique my situation is." " If you had my  fill in the blank  (upbringing, my wife/husband, my job, my illness, my life) you would use too."
                In spite of their life crashing in around them, the alcoholic/addict will find a way to think that using is helping or that they deserve it.  "I had a hard day/week/life" so I deserve it.  Doesn't everyone deserve to relax, kick back, after a hard day? And the addiction seduces the user with an anticipation of the relaxation to come.  The mind then plays a video of using right up to point of getting high and feeling relief. ahhhh.  But here is where the trickery kicks in again.  The mind does NOT follow through to the throwing up, peeing oneself, humiliation of deeds not chosen but done anyway, DWI's, faces on loved ones, breakups, jobs lost because they missed another days work or were late again, urine tests that have to be faced, middle of the night emails and phone calls that can't be retrieved and on and on.  When the mind is romancing getting high again, it stops at the high, at the ecstacy, at the feeling GREAT.  That's the only way a sane and rational person can continue to use.  The addiction, with a mind of its own, cuts off thinking after the good part.
             Think of someone you know who is truly NOT an alcoholic/addict.  Someone NO ONE would say has a problem with drugs or alcohol.  Got them in your mind?  Ok, would they be reading this and wondering if it pertained to them?  In a million years? If you are wondering, chances are drugs and alcohol is causing a problem for you.
              Think of that same person again.  Can you see them in your head?  Ok would drugs and alcohol ever cause a problem in their life? ever?  If they were asked to not drink alcohol or use drugs for any reason, would there be an issue?  If a doctor, for instance, said "I'm putting you on this medication, do not drink alcohol when you take it".  Would they even think twice about it?  If their probation officer said, "You cannot drink or use drugs for the next two years", would they panic?  Would you panic?
             Now think of a food you really like.  REALLY like.  Potato chips? Ice Cream? Steak? Lobster? Think of yours.  For the sake of this illustration, let's use mine: ice cream. Imagine that the doctor tells you that you had to take a medication for your health.  You really have to take this medication or you will die.  Then the doctor tells you that you can't eat the one  food you really like because it will interfere with the medication.  The lifesaving medication won't work if you eat your favorite food.  What would you feel? Grateful there is medication to save you? Glad that you are alive?  Then the second thought is probably "I'll miss that ice cream".  Eating the ice cream while taking that medication would not be an option.  You wouldn't even consider it.  You would make sure everyone who had you over for a meal would know "I'm not eating ice cream".
             What if the doctor tells you that you can't drink alcohol or take your drug or the medication won't work.  What do you feel?  The addict/alcoholic's mind is working around this dilemma. Not using is not an option.  Ok, I'll try not to drink/drug.   Generally whatever you set out to try, you already know you can't do.
             How much does one need to consume to be considered addicted? I hear that a lot. " But I only drink/use on weekends." "I know plenty of people who drink/use more than me." "I still have a job so how can I be and alcoholic/addict?"   The amount you need to consume is-----drum roll here-----exactly how much interferes with your life.  For some, they are able to see that the weekend binges are interfering with their relationships, self-esteem, ability to get to work on time on Monday or whatever. For others divorce is necessary for them to see that the use is interfering, some need hospitalization and/or jail.
              If your life isn't working and you think it might be the drinking/ or drugs, it probably is.
             

How Does a Person Become an Addict/Alcoholic

                I don't subscribe to a religious hell and damnation type of evil.  I'm not sure, given all I know about the different types of mental illness, that any person can be entirely evil.  Their actions can create evil but they are probably a mixed bag of illness and personality disorders.  Addiction is veiled, seductive and pure evil. I have seen this evil in the empty eyes of thousands of alcoholics and addicts as I attempted to enlist their help in the battle for their souls.  That's what it feels like to me.  Most addicts and alcoholics are creative, intelligent, willful, and strong.  How do these wonderful people end up sniveling slaves to their addiction and empty shells of potential lost?
               At the outset, the user feels good.  They wake up the next day and all is well.  Nothing noticeable changed but they have a new friend. The substance (insert alcohol, cocaine, heroin, oxycontin here) made them feel GREAT.  ECSTATIC. All angst gone.  They became the person they knew they could be.  Up to now, everything in their life that felt this good was generally good FOR them.  Sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, a big hug when you are sad or lonely. It feels THAT good.  How could it be bad? It feels so good.
                 And so begins the slow slide into addiction.  It can take years in some people to manifest, or it can take months.  But if you are on the slide, you are in.  Rationalization allows the user to keep on.  Did I mention just how good it feels?  There are those peaceful feelings it brings.  But things start to go wrong.  Lost the job because he can't get up in the morning but the user thinks that it was the boss's fault or, they surmise,  it was a job that they didn't want anyway.  Lost the girl/boyfriend because they cheated/peed the sheets again/got physically abusive, but the user thinks that it was the other person's fault somehow.  "Next time, I won't mix drinks", "He won't smell it, I'll drink vodka", "Just tonight, it's my birthday for chrissakes".  The user tries to figure out how to keep their beloved substance, their only true friend in their life, and minimize the damage it does. And so it goes. The rationalizations, unbeknownst to the user,  start to get thin as the damage accrues. The user can't see that the addiction is sucking up their soul, and creating mental and physical scars that may never heal.  It doesn't feel that way.  It actually feels numb at this point.  No high highs but no low lows either. Just numb.  No spontaneous feelings.  After years of numb, spontaneous feelings become threatening and scary.  Numb becomes good.
                 All the user sees is the external damage. Then one day the user decides they should stop.  "I can stop anytime I want to."  " Next week, I'll stop." "After the holidays, I'll really stop."   But by then they  have crossed the invisible line. They are the last to know.  Family and friends, if they are still around, are shaking their heads, praying for the person, hoping and wishing that the slow death will turn around. Loved ones do not have the "break from life" that the addict/alcoholic has when they use.  Loved ones feel everything.  The addict/alcoholic now feels nothing.
                 If the user stops, the mental and physical symptoms are torture (insert the evil laugh of addiction here).  Just a little of their substance relieves the suffering that is unbearable. The user is addicted.