Are You a Good Parent?

Well the good news is that, if you ever questioned whether you are a good parent, you probably are.  Bad parents don't wonder if they are doing the right thing.  Parenting is a personal issue to each parent and child.  Parents that truly and deeply love their children can make mistakes but usually not serious ones. When I was pregnant with my first child, my friend told me "Now you will know what it's like to have your heart on the OUTside of your body for the rest of your life".  She was right.

There are a couple of general thoughts on parenting that I share with my clients and I will share with you.

 Your same sex child (Father/son, Mother/daughter):  Your child will do what you do, not what you say.  Take a moment and imagine the person you would like your son or daughter to become, then work to become that person yourself.  They will learn to do what you do.  If you would like your son to cherish his wife, be a good parent, and an honest businessman, then work to be that man.  If you would like your daughter to have a career, be a doting mother, and be involved in her community, then become that woman yourself.  It doesn't have to be so specific.  You can just work toward becoming completely honest, strong willed, or civic minded.  You have a better chance that your child will develop that way instead of lecturing.  Look back at what traits or attitudes you took from your parents.

Opposite sex child (Father/daughter, Mother/son):  In general a child will grow up to pick a mate who treats them the way you treat your opposite sex child.  I am talking about heterosexual children for now. If you want your daughter to pick a man that dotes on her and has her best interest at heart, then Dad should treat her that way now.  If you want your son to choose a woman for his wife that is loving and respects him, then his Mom can be the template for that woman.

These are not hard and fast rules and there are many variations on the theme.
Feel free to share any words of wisdom you have about parenting!

What is Psychotherapy Anyway?

Psychotherapy usually means talk therapy.  Who does "psychotherapy"?  Why do people go to a "psychotherapist"?  Exactly what happens when someone goes into "therapy"?  

First  the "who".  There are several types of professionals who are licensed or otherwise credentialed to do therapy. Anyone licensed to do talk therapy is a psychotherapist.  The term psychotherapist, however, is not regulated.  There is no specific "psychotherapist" license.  If you seek therapy, make sure you find out if they are licensed or credentialed.  The following is a short list of the licenses in New York State. 

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and is the only one of these professionals who can prescribe medication and perform follow up monitoring. Some psychiatrists also do talk therapy.  However, some psychiatrists just do the medication monitoring and refer their patients out for more in depth talk therapy.   They are licensed like any other medical doctor and can take insurance.  

A psychologist has a doctoral degree; either a Phd or Psy.D or Ed.D.  This entitles them to be referred to as "Doctor" however they are not medical doctors. They do talk therapy and can take insurance.  Most psychological testing requires a psychologist.  

A Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) is a Master's degree level psychologist.  They do talk therapy and can take insurance.  

Social workers do talk therapy, case management and referrals. They are used in organizations in a variety of ways.  They have a Masters degree in Social Work.  Some are able to take insurance.  

Credentialed Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor (CASAC) This is a NYS credential which limits an individual to alcohol and substance abuse counseling.  The education requirement is to complete the required courses but there is no degree requirement. While they may work in an agency that takes insurance, they cannot take insurance as an individual practitioner. 

Life coaches are not allowed to do talk therapy as they are not licensed or regulated. There are some credentials beginning to come into the marketplace.  They are able to offer advice. 

Why do people go to talk therapy?  Everyone feels blue or sad now and again. It is normal to feel sad if you lose a job, a pet, an opportunity.  Everyone feels anxious now and again and it is perfectly understandable to be nervous before a job interview, a dentist or doctor appointment, a speaking engagement.  However, if you experience overwhelming sadness, and hopelessness, it may be depression.  If your anxiety is happening for no apparent reason and you are finding relationships difficult or have trouble leaving the house, you may have an anxiety disorder.  In both cases, if anxiety or depression rises to the level of interfering with your life or preventing you from doing things you love or your normal routine, talk therapy can help. Clients come in with a variety of presenting issues. If there is habitual behavior that you are struggling to overcome yourself, talk therapy can help.  If there is something that you might be doing that is interfering with your happiness, talk therapy can help.  There are issues like addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, internet), obsessive compulsive disorder (checking, hand washing, hoarding), sexual issues (male and female), post traumatic stress disorder (recurrent thoughts and nightmares, hypervigilance), and personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic).  This list is by no means complete but is provided to give you an idea of what types of issues people bring to their therapist.  

How does it work?  There are many types of talk therapy so this gives you the luxury to shop around until you find one you can work with.  There are several "brands" of talk therapy; cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic, humanistic, and gestalt to name but a few.  Most psychotherapists have an eclectic approach, utilizing tools from various styles of therapy.  One of the most important aspects of psychotherapy is the client/therapist relationship.  Most therapists believe that establishing a good rapport with a client is essential to successful treatment.  

Our lives go by so quickly and, for the most part, our perspective is colored by our emotional involvement. We are too close to our relationships with our significant other, children, friends, and acquaintances to see them from an objective, safe distance. A good therapist will mirror our behavior and relationships to us in a gentle way so we can take a look objectively.  If our lives were a movie, the good therapist can slow the frames of our movie down so we can better see our lives frame by frame.  With that kind of knowledge, we can begin to make the changes and choices that allows us lead a more successful, fulfilled and healthy life. 

New Year's Resolutions

I've been reading a lot about New Year's Resolutions and why they are not kept.  I'm reading that people make their resolutions too big, unattainable, or unreasonable.  Actually I think year end resolutions are wish lists, not actual change lists.  People make resolutions, or resolve to change something, but do not consider the cost of the change or underestimate the time it may take to actually accomplish the goal.  For instance, people wish they could weigh less, but when it comes to actually putting in the time and effort, well, not so much.  Some people resolve to have more patience this year, -- starting right now!  Some people want to make more money this year.  Unfortunately they don't consider that to make themselves more marketable may entail more time and sacrifice than they are willing to give.

After New Year's, people take their wishes and get out their internal scale.  They put the price of making the change on one side of the scale, and the price for making no change on the other side of the scale.  Guess which side usually wins?  Right.  The price for making the change is more.  It's easier to do nothing.  Even if it is miserable to do nothing, at least the misery is familiar.  When people look at the prize (more money, weight loss, quit an addiction) they tend to not see the day to day work, and perserverance,  involved in permanent change.

Sometimes its not the amount of work involved in personal change, but the loss of the reward of the bad behavior.   Huh?  Let me explain.  If someone wants to quit smoking but the wonderful relaxing feelings of smoking (reward) has to be sacrificed, even temporarily, then the price may be too high.  If someone wants to lose 40 lbs, but then they will have nowhere to hide (reward), no excuse for not joining in (reward), no excuse to bow out of the next trip to the beach (reward), then the price may be too high.

How do people change at all if the price is too high?  Many do not, which is why all these resolutions (good intentions) fail.  Resolutions need to be paired with action.  Action that not only makes the desired change but also keeps the "resolve" and continued motivation for the change high.

The action that will keep the resolve high is to join a support group run by a qualified therapist, see a therapist individually or with your spouse, partner with like minded individuals in your life or though internet groups like meetup or facebook.

If you are serious about change, and are ready to give up the rewards of not changing,  resolve to do what is necessary to make your change and to keep your motivation high!

Survive the Holidays with a Smile!

     The New Year offers a blank slate, a fresh start, a hopeful time.  Actually each morning offers the same thing (!) but, as a culture, we celebrate together as one year comes to a close and the next begins. Some people are secretly celebrating that the holidays are over!!  The Christmas holiday has become quite secular and, with that, the media etc loses the true meaning of the day.  If you are Christian, then focusing on the wonder and miracle of the birth of Christ can bring joy and peace.  However if that is not possible,  with all you have to do, then your holiday can be stressed and there will be no joy in your world.  There are some tips I have accumulated to make the season merrier.   Also if you are abstinent for the first time this year, or the holidays are always a difficult time to remain abstinent, these tips may make the holiday season brighter!

1. Understand that you are not alone.  A lot of people are feeling stressed, depressed and distressed at this time of year.  You can look around you and see happy people shopping, people smiling, Christmas lights everywhere, and the media telling us how happy we should be.  Then you check in with you and you are feeling awful because "everyone is partying but me" or "my family doesnt......." or "I dont have the money to...." or whatever lousy feeling you are having.  Well, you are comparing their outsides (smiling faces, imagined happiness and  parties) with your insides (feelings).  The reality is that you are comparing apples and oranges.  Your insides to their outsides.  You do not know how other people are feeling or if they are happy just by looking at them. 
2. It's just another Sunday.  Christmas falls on Sunday and if you are feeling overwhelmed, a better way to look at it might be: "It's just another Sunday".  That takes the crushing importance and grand expectations out of the day. 
3. Take care of yourself.  When we start rushing around with little time to spare, the first thing that goes is what we do for ourselves.  Grabbing a quick bite, having a cookie at the office, cinnabuns at the mall do not count as nutrition.  Stay on your eating plan.  If you indulge, get back to eating well with the next meal.  Stay on your exercise plan. This is not the time for the added stress of beginning a diet or exercise routine but stay on the one you have. 
4. Go late and leave early.  No one says you must arrive early and be the last one to wave goodbye at the party/dinner/whatever.  If you are anticipating a visit with relatives or coworkers that will be challenging, go late and leave early.  Have an exit strategy if you find you need to leave early.   Most good friends and family will understand if you are uncomfortable.  If they are not the understanding types, then have a small lie handy to make your exit socially acceptable.  "My tooth is acting up and I really hate to leave but......"
5. Bring the phone number of someone you can contact if you need to talk to someone or just need to get grounded again.  Make sure they will be available during the time you might need them.  Better yet, bring a supportive friend with you to the event or shopping.   Having a friendly face with you is a great support. 
6. Ditch the family and do some volunteer work.  See if there is a soup kitchen, 24 hour marathon anonymous meeting, nursing home or hospital that could use some cheer.  Put on your happy face and go! 
7. "Act as if ".   If you act as if you are in the holiday spirit and in a giving mood, it just might stick.  It's worth a try.  
8.  Make a gratitude list.  List every thing you can think of that you can be thankful for.  If you have difficulty getting started, try these:  1) I am so grateful for  beauty,  2) I am so grateful for sunny days  4) I am so grateful for chocolate.  You get the idea. Make the list personal to you.  
9. Add things to your gratitude list that haven't happened yet but you desire. So if this year you want to change jobs, or get a job, you might add  "I am so grateful for my dream job".  If you want to find your soulmate, you might add "I am so grateful for my soulmate".   
10. Every thought is a prayer or a wish that you send to the universe.  If you are thinking "I cant have a great holiday because.....(fill in the blank) or "I cant make it through the holidays without a drink/pill/crutch of some other kind", then it is so.   As Henry Ford said " “Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.” If you can catch yourself with these negative thoughts,  change them immediately!  Try  " This holiday will be fun" or "I wonder what the holidays look like through sober eyes".   Even if you don't believe it, just say it.  Trust me on this one. 

You may just surprise yourself and have a better holiday than you thought you could. 

Am I an Addict/Alcoholic?

            If you are an alcoholic/addict, you are the last to know.  Yes,  your family knows.  Yes,  the people you live with know. Yes, your girlfriend/boyfriend knows (and their friends know too). Yes the people with whom you partied last week or weekend (and you have no idea who they are, really) know.  Yes your boss (if you still have one) knows.  Yes your last boss knows too. Just don't ask the friendsor relatives that drink/drug like you.  If they tell you that you are an addict/alcoholic, then they will have to look at their own use.  Way too scary.
              One of the most "cunning, baffling and powerful" aspects of alcoholism/addiction is that it changes your thinking.  The user is not even aware that this has occurred. When the mind has a belief, it will then look around for evidence of that belief.  The mind of a user believes that they want to keep drinking./using at all costs.  The drink/drug FEELS GREAT. So the thought is "This has to be ok".  Now they look around themselves for justification. " That friend over there is using way more than me so I must be ok."  "I still have my job so I must be ok." "I  need this drink/drug to make it through the day."  "No one knows how unique my situation is." " If you had my  fill in the blank  (upbringing, my wife/husband, my job, my illness, my life) you would use too."
                In spite of their life crashing in around them, the alcoholic/addict will find a way to think that using is helping or that they deserve it.  "I had a hard day/week/life" so I deserve it.  Doesn't everyone deserve to relax, kick back, after a hard day? And the addiction seduces the user with an anticipation of the relaxation to come.  The mind then plays a video of using right up to point of getting high and feeling relief. ahhhh.  But here is where the trickery kicks in again.  The mind does NOT follow through to the throwing up, peeing oneself, humiliation of deeds not chosen but done anyway, DWI's, faces on loved ones, breakups, jobs lost because they missed another days work or were late again, urine tests that have to be faced, middle of the night emails and phone calls that can't be retrieved and on and on.  When the mind is romancing getting high again, it stops at the high, at the ecstacy, at the feeling GREAT.  That's the only way a sane and rational person can continue to use.  The addiction, with a mind of its own, cuts off thinking after the good part.
             Think of someone you know who is truly NOT an alcoholic/addict.  Someone NO ONE would say has a problem with drugs or alcohol.  Got them in your mind?  Ok, would they be reading this and wondering if it pertained to them?  In a million years? If you are wondering, chances are drugs and alcohol is causing a problem for you.
              Think of that same person again.  Can you see them in your head?  Ok would drugs and alcohol ever cause a problem in their life? ever?  If they were asked to not drink alcohol or use drugs for any reason, would there be an issue?  If a doctor, for instance, said "I'm putting you on this medication, do not drink alcohol when you take it".  Would they even think twice about it?  If their probation officer said, "You cannot drink or use drugs for the next two years", would they panic?  Would you panic?
             Now think of a food you really like.  REALLY like.  Potato chips? Ice Cream? Steak? Lobster? Think of yours.  For the sake of this illustration, let's use mine: ice cream. Imagine that the doctor tells you that you had to take a medication for your health.  You really have to take this medication or you will die.  Then the doctor tells you that you can't eat the one  food you really like because it will interfere with the medication.  The lifesaving medication won't work if you eat your favorite food.  What would you feel? Grateful there is medication to save you? Glad that you are alive?  Then the second thought is probably "I'll miss that ice cream".  Eating the ice cream while taking that medication would not be an option.  You wouldn't even consider it.  You would make sure everyone who had you over for a meal would know "I'm not eating ice cream".
             What if the doctor tells you that you can't drink alcohol or take your drug or the medication won't work.  What do you feel?  The addict/alcoholic's mind is working around this dilemma. Not using is not an option.  Ok, I'll try not to drink/drug.   Generally whatever you set out to try, you already know you can't do.
             How much does one need to consume to be considered addicted? I hear that a lot. " But I only drink/use on weekends." "I know plenty of people who drink/use more than me." "I still have a job so how can I be and alcoholic/addict?"   The amount you need to consume is-----drum roll here-----exactly how much interferes with your life.  For some, they are able to see that the weekend binges are interfering with their relationships, self-esteem, ability to get to work on time on Monday or whatever. For others divorce is necessary for them to see that the use is interfering, some need hospitalization and/or jail.
              If your life isn't working and you think it might be the drinking/ or drugs, it probably is.
             

How Does a Person Become an Addict/Alcoholic

                I don't subscribe to a religious hell and damnation type of evil.  I'm not sure, given all I know about the different types of mental illness, that any person can be entirely evil.  Their actions can create evil but they are probably a mixed bag of illness and personality disorders.  Addiction is veiled, seductive and pure evil. I have seen this evil in the empty eyes of thousands of alcoholics and addicts as I attempted to enlist their help in the battle for their souls.  That's what it feels like to me.  Most addicts and alcoholics are creative, intelligent, willful, and strong.  How do these wonderful people end up sniveling slaves to their addiction and empty shells of potential lost?
               At the outset, the user feels good.  They wake up the next day and all is well.  Nothing noticeable changed but they have a new friend. The substance (insert alcohol, cocaine, heroin, oxycontin here) made them feel GREAT.  ECSTATIC. All angst gone.  They became the person they knew they could be.  Up to now, everything in their life that felt this good was generally good FOR them.  Sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, a big hug when you are sad or lonely. It feels THAT good.  How could it be bad? It feels so good.
                 And so begins the slow slide into addiction.  It can take years in some people to manifest, or it can take months.  But if you are on the slide, you are in.  Rationalization allows the user to keep on.  Did I mention just how good it feels?  There are those peaceful feelings it brings.  But things start to go wrong.  Lost the job because he can't get up in the morning but the user thinks that it was the boss's fault or, they surmise,  it was a job that they didn't want anyway.  Lost the girl/boyfriend because they cheated/peed the sheets again/got physically abusive, but the user thinks that it was the other person's fault somehow.  "Next time, I won't mix drinks", "He won't smell it, I'll drink vodka", "Just tonight, it's my birthday for chrissakes".  The user tries to figure out how to keep their beloved substance, their only true friend in their life, and minimize the damage it does. And so it goes. The rationalizations, unbeknownst to the user,  start to get thin as the damage accrues. The user can't see that the addiction is sucking up their soul, and creating mental and physical scars that may never heal.  It doesn't feel that way.  It actually feels numb at this point.  No high highs but no low lows either. Just numb.  No spontaneous feelings.  After years of numb, spontaneous feelings become threatening and scary.  Numb becomes good.
                 All the user sees is the external damage. Then one day the user decides they should stop.  "I can stop anytime I want to."  " Next week, I'll stop." "After the holidays, I'll really stop."   But by then they  have crossed the invisible line. They are the last to know.  Family and friends, if they are still around, are shaking their heads, praying for the person, hoping and wishing that the slow death will turn around. Loved ones do not have the "break from life" that the addict/alcoholic has when they use.  Loved ones feel everything.  The addict/alcoholic now feels nothing.
                 If the user stops, the mental and physical symptoms are torture (insert the evil laugh of addiction here).  Just a little of their substance relieves the suffering that is unbearable. The user is addicted.