Are You a Good Parent?

Well the good news is that, if you ever questioned whether you are a good parent, you probably are.  Bad parents don't wonder if they are doing the right thing.  Parenting is a personal issue to each parent and child.  Parents that truly and deeply love their children can make mistakes but usually not serious ones. When I was pregnant with my first child, my friend told me "Now you will know what it's like to have your heart on the OUTside of your body for the rest of your life".  She was right.

There are a couple of general thoughts on parenting that I share with my clients and I will share with you.

 Your same sex child (Father/son, Mother/daughter):  Your child will do what you do, not what you say.  Take a moment and imagine the person you would like your son or daughter to become, then work to become that person yourself.  They will learn to do what you do.  If you would like your son to cherish his wife, be a good parent, and an honest businessman, then work to be that man.  If you would like your daughter to have a career, be a doting mother, and be involved in her community, then become that woman yourself.  It doesn't have to be so specific.  You can just work toward becoming completely honest, strong willed, or civic minded.  You have a better chance that your child will develop that way instead of lecturing.  Look back at what traits or attitudes you took from your parents.

Opposite sex child (Father/daughter, Mother/son):  In general a child will grow up to pick a mate who treats them the way you treat your opposite sex child.  I am talking about heterosexual children for now. If you want your daughter to pick a man that dotes on her and has her best interest at heart, then Dad should treat her that way now.  If you want your son to choose a woman for his wife that is loving and respects him, then his Mom can be the template for that woman.

These are not hard and fast rules and there are many variations on the theme.
Feel free to share any words of wisdom you have about parenting!

What is Psychotherapy Anyway?

Psychotherapy usually means talk therapy.  Who does "psychotherapy"?  Why do people go to a "psychotherapist"?  Exactly what happens when someone goes into "therapy"?  

First  the "who".  There are several types of professionals who are licensed or otherwise credentialed to do therapy. Anyone licensed to do talk therapy is a psychotherapist.  The term psychotherapist, however, is not regulated.  There is no specific "psychotherapist" license.  If you seek therapy, make sure you find out if they are licensed or credentialed.  The following is a short list of the licenses in New York State. 

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and is the only one of these professionals who can prescribe medication and perform follow up monitoring. Some psychiatrists also do talk therapy.  However, some psychiatrists just do the medication monitoring and refer their patients out for more in depth talk therapy.   They are licensed like any other medical doctor and can take insurance.  

A psychologist has a doctoral degree; either a Phd or Psy.D or Ed.D.  This entitles them to be referred to as "Doctor" however they are not medical doctors. They do talk therapy and can take insurance.  Most psychological testing requires a psychologist.  

A Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) is a Master's degree level psychologist.  They do talk therapy and can take insurance.  

Social workers do talk therapy, case management and referrals. They are used in organizations in a variety of ways.  They have a Masters degree in Social Work.  Some are able to take insurance.  

Credentialed Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor (CASAC) This is a NYS credential which limits an individual to alcohol and substance abuse counseling.  The education requirement is to complete the required courses but there is no degree requirement. While they may work in an agency that takes insurance, they cannot take insurance as an individual practitioner. 

Life coaches are not allowed to do talk therapy as they are not licensed or regulated. There are some credentials beginning to come into the marketplace.  They are able to offer advice. 

Why do people go to talk therapy?  Everyone feels blue or sad now and again. It is normal to feel sad if you lose a job, a pet, an opportunity.  Everyone feels anxious now and again and it is perfectly understandable to be nervous before a job interview, a dentist or doctor appointment, a speaking engagement.  However, if you experience overwhelming sadness, and hopelessness, it may be depression.  If your anxiety is happening for no apparent reason and you are finding relationships difficult or have trouble leaving the house, you may have an anxiety disorder.  In both cases, if anxiety or depression rises to the level of interfering with your life or preventing you from doing things you love or your normal routine, talk therapy can help. Clients come in with a variety of presenting issues. If there is habitual behavior that you are struggling to overcome yourself, talk therapy can help.  If there is something that you might be doing that is interfering with your happiness, talk therapy can help.  There are issues like addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, internet), obsessive compulsive disorder (checking, hand washing, hoarding), sexual issues (male and female), post traumatic stress disorder (recurrent thoughts and nightmares, hypervigilance), and personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic).  This list is by no means complete but is provided to give you an idea of what types of issues people bring to their therapist.  

How does it work?  There are many types of talk therapy so this gives you the luxury to shop around until you find one you can work with.  There are several "brands" of talk therapy; cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic, humanistic, and gestalt to name but a few.  Most psychotherapists have an eclectic approach, utilizing tools from various styles of therapy.  One of the most important aspects of psychotherapy is the client/therapist relationship.  Most therapists believe that establishing a good rapport with a client is essential to successful treatment.  

Our lives go by so quickly and, for the most part, our perspective is colored by our emotional involvement. We are too close to our relationships with our significant other, children, friends, and acquaintances to see them from an objective, safe distance. A good therapist will mirror our behavior and relationships to us in a gentle way so we can take a look objectively.  If our lives were a movie, the good therapist can slow the frames of our movie down so we can better see our lives frame by frame.  With that kind of knowledge, we can begin to make the changes and choices that allows us lead a more successful, fulfilled and healthy life. 

New Year's Resolutions

I've been reading a lot about New Year's Resolutions and why they are not kept.  I'm reading that people make their resolutions too big, unattainable, or unreasonable.  Actually I think year end resolutions are wish lists, not actual change lists.  People make resolutions, or resolve to change something, but do not consider the cost of the change or underestimate the time it may take to actually accomplish the goal.  For instance, people wish they could weigh less, but when it comes to actually putting in the time and effort, well, not so much.  Some people resolve to have more patience this year, -- starting right now!  Some people want to make more money this year.  Unfortunately they don't consider that to make themselves more marketable may entail more time and sacrifice than they are willing to give.

After New Year's, people take their wishes and get out their internal scale.  They put the price of making the change on one side of the scale, and the price for making no change on the other side of the scale.  Guess which side usually wins?  Right.  The price for making the change is more.  It's easier to do nothing.  Even if it is miserable to do nothing, at least the misery is familiar.  When people look at the prize (more money, weight loss, quit an addiction) they tend to not see the day to day work, and perserverance,  involved in permanent change.

Sometimes its not the amount of work involved in personal change, but the loss of the reward of the bad behavior.   Huh?  Let me explain.  If someone wants to quit smoking but the wonderful relaxing feelings of smoking (reward) has to be sacrificed, even temporarily, then the price may be too high.  If someone wants to lose 40 lbs, but then they will have nowhere to hide (reward), no excuse for not joining in (reward), no excuse to bow out of the next trip to the beach (reward), then the price may be too high.

How do people change at all if the price is too high?  Many do not, which is why all these resolutions (good intentions) fail.  Resolutions need to be paired with action.  Action that not only makes the desired change but also keeps the "resolve" and continued motivation for the change high.

The action that will keep the resolve high is to join a support group run by a qualified therapist, see a therapist individually or with your spouse, partner with like minded individuals in your life or though internet groups like meetup or facebook.

If you are serious about change, and are ready to give up the rewards of not changing,  resolve to do what is necessary to make your change and to keep your motivation high!